allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
this boner is exhausting
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
