my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
