I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
