she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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