oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
