Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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