you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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