____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I am midnight drunk by noon
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
