why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize