he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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