I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
