haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i think my mom watched the whole time
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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