my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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