I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
