btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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