did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
