i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
