She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Randomize
