would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
