I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
