Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i barfeds in our rink
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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