Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
