Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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