Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
