Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
