i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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