Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
