Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize