meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
