i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
