HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize