I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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