3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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