Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
birth control should be required to get into college
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
