Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
