Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I think people are normalizing furries
FUCK WHALES
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
