you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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