Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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