I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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