We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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