Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Im part way to drunk.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
