dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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