Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
