Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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