i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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