the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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