this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
