I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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