i love accidental penises.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize