the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize