how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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