did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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