I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
