a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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