im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
