do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
