you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
