I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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