Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
