Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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