"it" just moved
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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