I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
