dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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